The Problem With Loving An American


aka Engl/ish/

I love my wife dearly, and we generally communicate very well, but sometimes it feels like we’re speaking different languages. People from America claim that they speak English, but in reality they speak Engl/ish/.

I have this huge chip on my shoulder about your word for crisps, and your word for chips really frightens me. I do find it pretty kooky that you have a different word for a biscuit, but whenever I have to say the American word for aubergine it feels like I have had a large egg planted in my mouth. Just the other day I almost got embroiled in an argument about the proper term for grilling food.

Last week I was sitting in the car, melting with frustration at how you pronounce caramel, and I started getting all sweatery over your word for a jumper. It got so bad I even got a heat rash because of what you call your rubbish, so I had to go outside, walk around on the pavement.

I was starting to feel better until I came to a pedestrian crossing and then I remembered that you have a different name for that too! So there I was, feeling cross, walking across the road when I felt really exhausted. So I stopped, put my hands on my trousers and I just started pantsing for breath.

Most of the time it doesn’t actually bother me, but to be honest I have to get high way too often when I think about what you call a motorway, hearing your word for the boot of car always make me feel like I need to get trunk, remembering the American word for petrol always makes me gasp, and don’t even get me started on what you call a lorry, that’s just trucking stupid.

I find it momstrous how you guys refer to your mothers.

I have to suspenders my disbelief about what you call braces.

Hearing the American word for a flat makes me feel like I’ve been cast in play, given a part meant for someone else.

If I have to hear one more American person use the wrong word for football I’m going to climb up the Statue of Liberty and sock her in the mouth.

Usually it feels like the distance between our languages is only an inch, but your word for garden makes it feel more like we’re yards apart.

But it’s not just that you have different words for things, I’ve lived here for over a year and I still can’t figure out why you pronounce route so wrong. It’s also hard to zee why you can’t say the last letter of the alphabet properly.

And the worst thing of all is how you simply just take the letter U out of so many words. There’s no U in colour, honour, favour, humour, labour or neighbour. But honey, I promise I will always put the U in I love you.

Original Performance

This video was recorded by my wife at the Bay Area Pun-Off on February 10th, 2017.