Brexit in 30 puns

A couple of weeks ago, the UK held a referendum on whether or not to leave the European Union. On June 23rd, over 30 million people took a poll and at the end of the day, it was time to check the public vote, 'e tally up the ballots and “leave” had 52% of the vote. After the results came in, the UK stock market, at the sound of the bell, jumped the shark a little bit, it took a hell of a pounding.

I was shocked, watching all of the TV pundits speculate about how this could happen; from their cozy studios in London they couldn’t make any sense out of it. Meanwales, up in the north of England, the BBC was interviewing a woman in Liverpool. She said "there's absolutely norr way that we're staying in the EU" which was a pretty common sentiment despite the fact that many people up there don't have jobs and are going hungry. I think a lot of them see the EU as this huge monolith. “You ain’ ‘ere to see how bad it is” one man was reported to have said, “we all feel very claustriaphobic up ‘ere”.

I didn’t actually vote, but maybe I should have, it malta made a difference, although probably not. It's really easy to vote remotely, you just fill out an online application to vote by post, get the ballot in the mail and den mark whichever box you want.

So, Britain is leaving the EU. Almost every expert is telling us we done fucked up, it's gonna be a humongous pain in the ass, and that there are probably some uh, stone, uh, times ahead. Many people were upset about the result, and a lot of ire landed at the feet of the politicians.

I was reading about all of this on my phone while walking from work to my flat via McDonalds to grab some dinner. As I was crossing the street, a dolphin landed on my head which was weird. A dolphin nether lands on my head normally. Must be a sign of the end times. I can tell that some of you are judging me for going to McDonalds when there are so many better options out there. Look, some burgers are better than others, no argument there, but sometimes you just want something quick and simple with just the right amount of grease. Plus I was really hungry because this big black bird stole my sandwich earlier. You know it’s going to be a rough day when a crow ate ya lunch.

My friend Chew (his real name is Gary, but we call him Chew on account of how he’s really big and hairy like a wookie), he actually voted for Brexit. I've spoken to him a few times since then and he feels totally mislead by the claims of the exit campaign. Poor Chew, gullible as always. I called him up last night and all he did was sigh, prustrated with how it all turned out. I sais to him, "You 'kay buddy?" He said he was considering moving to Iran. “Why Iran?” I asked. “It’s always seemed a horrible place to live, you’ll be in danger many, many times a day!” He replied, “It's got land, so I can finally raise goats like I’ve always wanted and I can remain near my family.” When it comes to actually following through on things, he’s pretty terrible, Gary, uh he always talks big but never does anything.

So, I'm going to miss being part of the EU, it’s been a fun ride. So as the dolphin that landed on me might say, france for all the memories!

Original Performance

This video was recorded by my housemate at Bay Area Pun-Off 6 on July 8th, 2016.